KFC Apologizes For Premature Ultra Performance

Kentucky Fried Chicken apologized for a four-minute public display at this past weekend’s Ultra that was held in Florida.

Before EDM heavyweights Tiesto and Marshmelo were to perform, a man wearing an oversized Colonel Sanders knob, much like Marshmelo’s, appeared on Ultra’s main stage tantalizing the barely hungry patrons with a four-minute “music set” that was rolling with southern accented, wacked-out references including the opening line, “Hello, Kentucky!”


The suddenly sober yet aroused crowd of over 80,000 were mystified by what they were experiencing, but highly disappointed in the length of time the excitement endured – a true rarity at an EDM festival. “I was livid,” one female festival-goer was overheard saying. “My boyfriend can do better than four minutes, and he’s not even a DJ!” Another was quoted as saying, “This is what I paid $400 for, four minutes?!”

It were these and many more comments that led KFC to issue a partial statement to the disasppointed festival-goers:

“While KFC was delighted to be a part of such an ecstatic experience in Florida this past weekend, we are disappointed that the four-minutes in which the Colonel performed did not satisfy all attendees. We are working diligently to improve the performance of the Colonel and hope that when we arrive in Las Vegas this fall, he will be able to perform much longer.”

Since the original Colonel passed away in late 1980, it has been difficult for KFC to match the stamina with its replacements. “It’s been difficult,” said an anonymous bored member. “He just doesn’t do it for me.”

KFC has also vowed to work with state and local officials to strictly regulate the Colonel’s pre-performance rituals as not to cause any further dissatisfaction. “We’re new at this,” said another KFC spokesperson. “We didn’t know what we were doing in Miami, but we’re gonna do ya right in Las Vegas!”

Tickets are going zooming fast for the event in Las Vegas.


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Erik Lake

All this machinery making modern music can still be open hearted.